Well, happy birthday to me!
Woke up early this morning around 7am. Couldn't fall back asleep so I got up. It was a rainy, gloomy morning in Adelaide, but I wasn't feeling like laying around so I decided to go for a walk. I put on my hat and jacket, put in my earphones, and began walking. Since its Sunday and rainy on top of that, nearly no one was out on the streets. I was able to really clear my head and have time to think.
Its my 22nd birthday.. and here I am walking through the streets in Adelaide, Australia.. alone in the rain. The only thing I could think was "what the hell am I doing here?" Why did I come here? How did I end up here? What is it I'm looking for? I feel like that pretty much sums up my life... a search for something. I go through life looking for something.. wanting it desperately.. feeling like my purpose is something out there in life that I need to find. Like everything in my life is in preparation for that something. I'm saving myself for it.. unable to really give myself to anything on the blind hope that someday I'll be able to give everything to that one thing. Is this the reason I feel empty? Purposeless? Unsuccessful? Unfulfilled? How can I be living for something that I don't even know exists?
Wandering the streets of a foreign country, it came to me. I'm on a search for something real. Something completely, beautifully real. No doubt, no lies, no betrayal, no question. Something true. That's how I ended up here on these lonely, wet streets so far from home. That's why I felt I was drowning in my stagnant life. I wasn't getting any closer to finding it, and I needed to get away. I needed to escape the place I had been in for so long.. waiting. That's why it feels right to be in a place so strange, so new. Its refreshing to be so far from everything I know.
But how does this get me any closer to what I'm searching for? What do I expect from this place.. this adventure? Why can't I just be satisfied with what I am.. what I have? Why can't I simply be satisfied with going through these motions.. high school, college, graduation, a career, someday a family.. Others in life work towards these things.. but these goals are, in a way, almost empty to me. Sure, I want to succeed and make money doing something I, hopefully, love.. but that's not what life is. Life is love.. and joy.. challenge and passion.. inspiration.. fighting for something you can't live without.. feeling so strongly for something it brings tears to your eyes..
Not to say things like careers and families are unfulfilling.. they can be wonderful! But its more than just getting that career and creating that family.. there's more than that.
What am I doing here? Alone in Australia on my birthday?
I guess I'm just trying to find myself. I want to grow. I want to learn. I want to be better.. stronger.. smarter. I want to feel alive.
.. And so were my thoughts as I walked the streets of Adelaide. Happy Birthday, Nicky. You crazy, silly, confused, insecure, passionate girl. 22 years behind me, today. My search continues.
think it's all about kitties.
ReplyDeleteReminds me of the story by the photographer lady. She woke up at the ranch early in the morning and the light was perfect and the horses in the field had mist in their breath. She grabbed her camera and leaped out of bed...ran to the pasture and took photo after photo of the horses framed against an amazing sky.
ReplyDeleteOnly after an hour of this wonderful photo shoot did she realize there were some cowboys behind her leaning against the fence laughing at this crazy photography lady. That's also when she realized she'd forgotten to put on her pants.
And that's what life's about she said - when you're so excited about something you forget to put on your pants.
I hope you find it, Nicky.
"the heart is restless 'til it rests in Thee," said St. Augustine, and you don't have to think of "Thee" as a white-bearded king in the sky, but as Augustine's way of naming what is worth living your life for. You have lots of company in your quest.
ReplyDeleteBest Birthday Wishes,
Aunt Marti
The search really never ends.
ReplyDeletethats weird I had those exact same thoughts when I was in Egypt they never got answered =P but you get to say you turned 22 in Australia =)
ReplyDeleteAND MOM! you need new stories =P I swear I have heard all your stories like 100 times lol