Beauty...

Woke up this morning, Monday August 1^st, around 8 and got to Uni by 10 or so. At 11am I had my first seminar for my philosophy course, Beauty: Pleasures and Principles.  We began with introductions then were broken into 4 different groups to discuss some concepts. First we introduced ourselves and our majors, then discussed Humes idea of beauty and its basis for each person. It was broken into 3 major viewpoints… 1) Affect/Sensation- the beauty just ‘hits’ you.. affects you. Through your senses, you find beauty in that thing. 2) Sentiment- You find the beauty through emotional involvement.. you are ‘moved’ by it, and therefore, find the beauty personally. 3) Based on personal experience- These are for the things in which you find beauty because of your personal background. I.e. finding beauty in the American flag because you have an appreciation for history and patriotism. Maybe you were in the army and fought for the United States in a war.

This is the best I can explain it, at least from my point of view… Hume is slightly better at explaining it I suppose.

So what is beauty to you? A supermodel, a beautiful landscape, a feeling of being loved, a historic building, a perfect pair of shoes, a painting of water lilies by Monet, a poem, a song… why do you find beauty in that? I suppose for me, it is through sentiment I find beauty... when I experience something I find beautiful, its an emotional experience.

Next, the professor brought out an excerpt of The Symposium by Plato. This was a piece written about a dinner party of all the philosophers and after the meal they decided for their entertainment, to go around the table and answer the question: “What is love?” When Socrates was asked this question, he told the story of how the female philosopher, Diotima, answered this question. It was a long explanation, and I can’t include the entire explanation on here, but I will include some of my favorite parts… the parts that affected me the most:

“… A nature which in the first place is everlasting, not growing and decaying, or waxing and waning; secondly, not fair in one point of view and foul in another, or at one time or in one relation or at one place fair, at another time or in another relation or at another place foul, as if fair to come and foul to others, or in the likeness of a face or hands or any other part of the bodily frame, or in any form of speech or knowledge or existing in any other being…; but beauty absolute, separate, simple, and everlasting, which without diminution and without increase, or any change, is imparted to the ever-groing and perishing beauties of all other things. He who from these ascending under the influence of true love, begins to perceive that beauty, is far from the end. And the true order of going, or being led by another, to the things of love, is to begin from the beauties of earth and mount upwards for the sake of that other beauty, using these as steps only, and from one going on to two, and from two to all fair forms, and from fair forms to fair practices, and from fair practices to fair notions, until from fair notions he arrives at the notion of absolute beauty, and at last knows what the essence of beauty is.”

“This, my dear Socrates, is that life above all others which man should live, in the contemplation of beauty absolute; a beautywhich if you once beheld, you would see not to be after the measure of gold, and garments… and you and many a one would be content to live seeing them only and conversing with them without meat or drink, if that were possible—you only want to look at them and to be with them. But what if man had eyes to see the true beauty—the divine beauty, I mean, pure and clear and unalloyed, not clogged with the pollutions of morality and all the colours and vanities of human life—thither looking, and holding converse with the true beauty simple and divine? Remember how in that communion only, beholding beauty with the eye of the mind, he will be enabled to bring forth, not images of beauty, but realities (for he has hold not of an image but of a reality)…”

And Socrates concludes by saying: “The words which I have spoken, you, Phaedrus, may call an encomium of love, or anything else which you please.”

Once I reached the end of the excerpt, I realized there were tears going down my face. I couldn’t even talk. I could only read it, over and over.

Our group was supposed to discuss the writing, but I could just sit there. I was so moved by what I’d just read… I considered just walking out. I didn’t really even know what to think. The writing itself was so phenomenally beautiful to me. The idea behind it, though I cannot say I completely understand it, fascinated, surprised, and moved me so completely, I lost all words. Class was over shortly after that and I left deep in thought to go grab some lunch and sit by the river. It was a gorgeous day and I just sat, eating my wrap, listening to my music, and staring out over the river. After feeling as moved as this, I felt torn in half. Part of me believes such beauty exists and its all I want and need in life. Its what drives me… its my purpose. To discover this dream of the great ancient philosophers… To find divine, pure, true love and beauty. But the other part of me wants to simply dismiss it all as just a myth… a story… something spiritual, but not real. These 2 takes on what I read are both mine, but from 2 different parts of me. I feel like 2 different people, one deep and emotional, quiet and thoughtful, introverted and observing life from the outside… and another, a young, rebellious, fun-loving, spontaneous and wild girl full of life and ready for anything.

I am these 2 people, but I feel I can’t be both. Can I reach a balance? They are so different… its like one side is my inner-self, and one side is my outer-self. The inner self is for me, to observe life as an artist.. a writer… and the outer self is the one for the world, actually living that life. What exactly is it I have to offer the world? Should I pursue the dream, or forget that dream, face reality, and pursue what the world tells me to pursue? Each is too consuming to combine with the other... you see? I don't know which life to live.

I guess its all part of growing up… finding out who you really are and finding stability. I guess its just taking me longer… I suppose I’m more complex than many. I feel like I’m living an inner war… the 2 sides constantly clashing… causing the other one trouble. I wish they could just merge into one. I could use the stability.

Something I'm realizing as I get more involved in these creative, deep courses that's new for me, is the fact that I'm not alone. In our seminars as we have class discussion, I realize that there are people out there who think like I do... over-analyze as I do... and desire what I desire. In our small group discussion I was amazed to listen to the 3 other students... they thought like I did. They were really into the discussion and had deep, provoking thoughts and ideas to add to the conversation. Listening to them made me realize that there are young people out there with minds like mine. It was wonderful to know. Maybe my dream is possible...

Anyhow, heading to Adaptation lecture. A very thought-provoking morning…